How Shame Sabotages Your Self-Identity (& 3 Tools For Taking Back Control)

Realising that the story of you being fundamentally flawed is actually internalised chronic shame isn’t just a therapeutic breakthrough, it’s a whole plot twist.

If you have ever thought of yourself as being broken, or had the feeling that there’s something wrong with you that sets you apart from other people, it’s likely that shame is hiding at the root.

Oftentimes, when we have a strong emotional reaction, we treat this as a cause for self-evaluation. I feel X, so that must mean I am Y. I feel embarrassed, so that must mean I am a failure. I feel ashamed, so that must mean I am a bad person. These processes often work very subtly, and so our self-evaluations may be more unconscious reactions than conscious thoughts. 

We use our minds to make sense of what’s going on in our bodies. We give our transitory emotions and physical sensations meaningful reasons to stay a part of us. 

This is also called overidentification - a process where you fuse your identity to a particular emotion, experience or thought. It becomes difficult to separate it from your whole self.

Overidentification can turn simple momentary awareness of your inner experience into a story or evaluation of your whole self. For example, “I’m honestly feeling a lot of shame around this experience; there’s a part of me that’s judging myself harshly for what I did and I’m noticing feelings of shame that are making me want to hide away” can become “I’m a terrible person for what I did, I need to hide”. 

Or, “I feel a lot of shame stemming from how I was treated as a child. I learned to see myself in a negative light because everything I did was considered wrong by my parents/caregivers. When people treat me negatively or are critical towards me, there’s a part of me that feels I deserve it,” can become “I always f-ck everything up, I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. They’re right, it’s my fault. I’m not good enough”.

Notice the difference in the impact of these statements. 

The first statements in these two examples showcase mindfulness in action. In these first statements, the individual does not automatically accept judgments about the self as true or turn feelings into generalisations about the self, they simply notice and name the feelings. They may reflect on the emotional experience in a wider context, such as childhood, early relationships or cultural influence. They do not become the feeling, or become powerless to the narrative built on the feeling.

Mindfulness takes self-judgement out of the equation because it allows us to suspend meanings, and lean into feelings: What emotion am I feeling in this moment? Where do I feel it in my body? What are the triggers? 

When shame is running riot in your mind and body unchecked, you become your own judge, jury and executioner. All of the focus is on self-evaluation and judgement, and less time is given to being with and processing emotion.

The thing about shame is that it can be very sneaky. Chronic shame is not always easy to identify because it doesn’t feel like an emotion in its own right, it just feels like a part of who you are. It feels like the truth. 

On an evolutionary level, shame comes back to being rejected by the group, and so it makes sense that it is closely related to isolation. Isolation and lack of connection make it easier for us to confirm our own stories and beliefs about being broken, damaged or unloveable. 

Shame can feel like something quite sinister because our instinctual response tends to be to hide, escape or avoid. If you spend a significant amount of your life feeling like you need to hide, escape or avoid yourself, you’re likely going to feel afraid of your own inner world, afraid of your conscious mind as well as your shadow. This fear and lack of exposure to shame lets it grow bigger, denser and darker inside, taking up more and more of you. This can manifest as depression, anxiety and relying on coping behaviours such as substance use or disordered eating.

And so the saving grace is bringing it all into the light. 

Shame thrives on secrecy and isolation, and so turning towards shame with an attitude of self-compassion and shared humanity can allow chronic shame to melt away and be replaced with an inner warmth.

It can be strange and challenging to start unlearning the stories you’ve always told yourself about who you are. When something is part of your identity, letting it go can feel monumental. Opening yourself up to new ways of knowing yourself can feel overwhelming. These are big, necessary steps.

If you have ever told yourself or somebody else that you are broken, I invite you to turn towards this narrative and start to explore what this means to you. Here are three tools to help you detangle your self-identity from the grip of shame:

1) Looking at your personal narrative through the lens of shame

One way that we make sense of our experiences and create a meaningful sense of who we are as individuals is through the way we tell our life story. 

Whether you do this with friends, through journaling, meditation or with a professional, reflect on the ways shame - a feeling of being essentially bad and judged negatively - has shaped your identity and your story. 

Where are you being depicted as being bad, flawed or broken and in what ways? When have you been most conscious of being perceived or judged by others? What kind of language do you use to describe yourself?

Download the free Identifying Shame workbook to help you with this exercise.

The purpose of this is to start challenging and examining the stories you tell yourself and separate emotional experience from negative self-judgement, or to start to see how the two are falsely connected.

By actively looking for manifestations of shame and finding the feeling behind the story, this brings you back to the emotional focus and helps you escape the matrix of meaning.

2. Developing your self-compassionate voice

We are all made up of differing parts of ourselves. There may be parts of you that are seemingly in conflict with one another.

If you struggle with self-compassion, you may identify closely with the cold, critical part of you. Or the part of you that feels anxious and helpless. So much so that it just feels like who you are rather than one of many parts. 

The inner monologue you live with daily is repetitive and familiar. But if it isn’t working for you, ask yourself:

Which other parts of myself can I lean on?

There is a part of you that is capable of having deep compassion for yourself, and the more you nurture this part of yourself, the more repetitive and familiar it will become. Soothing self-talk will become your natural response to feelings of shame, helping to de-escalate the thoughts and judgements and urges to punish yourself. 

Practice responding to yourself with understanding, acceptance and care, turning up the volume on your self-compassionate voice. 

“It makes sense that I feel this way, it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, it means I’m a human being with emotions”

“It might take some time for me to feel confident doing X, that’s okay, I can work with feelings of insecurity. There is no requirement for me to be perfect or even good at X”

“I realised I wasn’t being honest with myself and so I’m getting curious about that. What feelings am I avoiding? Even if it’s uncomfortable, I know it’s safe to be be honest and process my emotions”

“I’m noticing a lot of anxiety in my body right now, flooding in my chest and down my arms and hands. I’m going to focus on my breath and keep noticing the sensations. Anxiety is trying to keep me safe, so I’ll try and let my body know there is no threat right now”

One barrier to self-compassion is a lack of familiarity with what compassionate care sounds like or with the emotional tone of compassion. This can make developing your self-compassionate voice seem daunting, confusing, pointless or even frightening. If this is something you would like deeper support with in one-to-one counselling, send me an enquiry form and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

3) Identifying your strengths, values, principles, passions and interests

Shift the focus from judgements and self-evaluation to the things in life that move you and guide you. 

What do you believe in strongly? 

How would you like people to describe you? 

Which values do you feel most aligned with?

What do you feel drawn to learn more about?

What connects you to others?

When shame sabotages your self-identity, you may think of yourself as someone inferior or flawed before you think of anything that brings you joy, relief or hope. But these things are much more reflective of you as a person, that are life-giving rather than draining.

And if all of these things feel very unclear and uncertain at the moment, that’s okay too. Play, experiment, explore. You’re learning as you go, and there are plenty of lessons to be learned on this cosmic adventure.